Happy Anniversary?

Tomorrow will be the first anniversary since the surgery that has changed my life. I am sad to say that while I am very grateful, I am not feeling celebratory. While I should be focusing on the good, I am in mourning for the life that I once knew. I am very grateful for my leg (as lame as it sometimes is) and for my life.

I think I am experiencing PTSD; It feels as if I was spit out of a tornado. My head is still spinning and I can see the destruction that surrounds me. I’m experiencing bewilderment about everything that has transpired in the last 12 months. I am amazed when I think about all that I have endured. The nightmarish hospital stay; the daily trips to radiation and physical therapy all while enduring the pain and fatigue that accompanied it.

I feel like my life can be over at any time. I feel tremendous pressure to live the perfect, happiest life. Have the perfect job, go on the trip of a lifetime, buy the Jeep that I’ve always wanted.

While I am very grateful for my job, the pressure is taxing on me. While the urge to vacation is there, I’m comfortable at home. I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to leave it. I guess I am in a bit of a funk…hopefully I will find my way out.

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