Posted On January/2020
Sunday January 5th 2020
Part One: Before the Test Results
It’s early morning, Sunday, January 5th and I’m still here at the hospital. Today is day number nine; it’s the longest amount of time that I’ve ever spent in the hospital.
It’s frustrating because I’m laying here in my hospital bed waiting and not knowing what they’re going to find but, in my gut, I kind of know. I just want to get it over with because not definitively knowing is really hard. I just want to be out of here.
They finally did the MRI with contrast on my heart yesterday along with another transesophageal echo (TEE) the other day. I also had a CT scan and really broke out in hives due to an allergic reaction, but I’m okay.
So today or tomorrow could be D day and I’m doing my best to keep it together. One of the doctor’s assistants told me to keep a positive attitude and I know that makes a big difference. I’m doing a pretty good job of staying positive. I think that I got through yesterday with choking up just once or twice. I’ve had a few days where it’s just me chilling here all by myself, but I keep busy. In addition to reading and watching TV, I go for short walks, meditate, pray and practice Reiki which helps me a lot.
Yesterday, my daughter in law’s mother, called me up to tell me that she went to see a medium two days ago. She said that Mommy and Susie came through really strong and they had messages for me. She told the medium that she was hesitant to tell me about their messages because of the situation I’m in. But the medium said that Susie insisted that she tell me (which sounds very much like Sue). Sue said that she likes when I talk to her and she can hear everything that I say 100%; my Mom too. They know I’m suffering in the hospital, but I’m not alone. They are fighting the fight with me and they will be waiting for me with open arms when it’s my time.
Whether you believe in this sort of thing or not, hearing their messages brought so much comfort to me. No matter how old you are, when you are sick, you still want your Mom so it helps to know that she is with me and knows what I am going through along with Susie too.
Seeing them will be wonderful. But the thought of leaving my family, is unbearable. My heart rate is starting to go crazy so I have to stop thinking about leaving them. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to live like an invalid. I’m trying to be really brave. I’m trying to keep it together while asking God for strength.
I can’t live like this and I don’t even know what’s in store for me. I’m getting tired of developing one tumor after another. This year I’ve been in the hospital almost every other month and it isn’t just me going through it, it’s my family living through this as well.
Hopefully the tumor has not penetrated the wall of my heart and they will be able to remove the mitral valve and keep me on blood thinners. My fear is of God forbid having another stroke before they can finally do something for me. The doctors have said that my heart is very strong (thanks to my years of running and working out) so they don’t think there’s a big risk if I should I need to have more tumors surgically removed.
It’s definitely not a good scenario. I need to stay positive and trust that God can do anything and that miracles do happen.
Right now, I’m having a hard time. I’m lying in bed looking at all of the pictures on my phone reflecting on the memories of all the people and things that I’m going to miss. My heart rate went up to one hundred and fifty-six bpm’s and I think it’s because I’m so stressed. Hopefully, I’ll get to go home soon and see my puppy, Joey.
Maybe they can send me home and keep me heavily sedated so that hopefully I’ll just go very peacefully. I do believe that I’m going to see everyone I love and that there is a Heaven. I really do believe that and that we will all be reunited again. I’ve been really blessed. I could say, why me about the illness and then I could say why me about being so blessed. So, I choose the latter. I’m hoping that I can manage to take a shower, and get the test results today.
Part Two: The Test Results Are In
The cardiac surgeon’s assistant just came in and told me that there’s a lesion on my lung and it appears that the tumor has penetrated the wall of my heart. They are sending me home…there is nothing more that they can do for me. They are working on getting hospice notified about me so that they will be there when I get home. The oncologist who also came in to see me told me to go home, drink whatever I want, eat whatever I want, smoke whatever I want and if I’ve ever wanted to try psychedelic drugs go for it.
Well, if that doesn’t make you think that you are at the end of the road and all hope is lost, I don’t know what does. I am here all alone in my room trying to digest this news. I wish they would have told me this when I had my family here to hold and support me.
I’m trying to digest and come to terms with what’s going on. I certainly put up a good fight throughout this journey and had a really good attitude. At this point I’m praying that God will give me an opportunity to go home and spend some time with my family and my puppy.
It’s so ironic, two weeks ago, I prayed to God asking him to please not let me die a slow, painful death from cancer. So maybe this is His answer. I pray I go home and my heart just gives out, but I want my family with me along with my puppy, Joe.
That’s all that I ask; it’s the one last request that I have. Just let me go home and be with my family. I’m not afraid to die. I’m trying to look at it like I’m going on a vacation. I’m going to be reunited with Susie and Mommy and Daddy, my brother Danny, my grandparents, and so many others that have passed. I’m not scared. I want you to know I am not scared. I know in my heart I’m going to be fine and I’m not going to be tied down to these physical ailments. I’ll be running again. Heck, I’ll be flying if I can. I’ll be flying.
I hope that I can still help and be with my family. Leaving everyone that you love and everything that you know, is kind of hard to digest. Even though we’re all going to do it one day.
I often say that life is like going away to college. We leave home to come here, hopefully learn some valuable lessons, help others, have some really good times, and then we get to go back home.
I used to tell my boys that tough times are like weightlifting for your soul. I have gone through so many tough times that I could be a spiritual body builder!
But now, it’s my turn to take a break.
Homeward Bound excerpt by Simon & Garfunkel
I wish I was
Home where my thought’s escapin’
Home where my music’s playin’
Home where my love lies waitin’
Silently for me