Let It Go

Friday January 3rd, 2020

As I sit here all by myself secluded in my hospital room, I have decided to make a change to focus on the positive. It’s healthier for me mentally and physically.

I keep thinking how I don’t want to hurt my family. I have to try to pull it together and not break down as much in front of them. That’s not to say I can’t allow myself to get emotional, but it just makes it harder for them and for me.

I’ve had a pretty good day actually so far. I went for a little walk and I saw some people in the hallway and I took a shower. Oh my gosh…. all these great things…it’s the little things. Who ever thought that just walking down a hospital corridor and taking a shower would constitute a good day!

I’m trying to keep my cool. They didn’t get anything done again in terms of testing today. No tests…nothing…nada. Yes, I’m keeping my cool. I’m hoping to get the cardiac MRI tomorrow. It’s like pulling teeth, trying to get anything done. I don’t understand how they don’t see the urgency. I haven’t even seen an oncologist yet, but I’m going to stay calm.

So, this is the situation. If the mass penetrated the walls of my heart, it’s very serious. I don’t even know if any of them have ever dealt with anything like this.

The neurologist told me yesterday that he’s going to recommend that they don’t operate on the blocked artery, which has a clot on it because it’s too risky. If the mass didn’t penetrate the walls, then they’ll remove my mitral valve. The concern is also that I may not be strong enough for more surgery if another tumor develops. There are just too many unknowns at this point. So, that’s what I’m dealing with right now.

I just finished practicing Reiki and meditating. I tell the nurses not to bother me until I let them know that I am done. They have been great and they completely understand. I just need to do this for myself. I know the Reiki has definitely helped me a lot and I to try to do it twice a day.

I miss my Larry, I miss my Joey, I miss my family, I miss being home. I did get to spend about three hours with my son, Rich and daughter in law, Kendra. It was so nice. It just felt so good to just hang out with them, goof around and look at pictures and videos of my granddaughters. My beautiful girls.

I haven’t seen Larry in days because he’s had the flu but I’m going to see him hopefully tomorrow and that makes me so happy. I’m hoping to see my son Dave either tomorrow or Sunday. My grandson, Parker has a wrestling match and I’m so sorry that I can’t be there to cheer him on. I just keep feeling like I’m missing out, but what can I do?

Part of me thinks that I might not be going home so I’m trying to get comfortable with that idea. As hard as it is, I’m trying to come to peace with the faith that I’ve had. Walk the walk, talk the talk, and so I’m going to walk the walk. I have to trust in everything that I’ve always believed in. Maybe this is all a test…I don’t know. I’m just going to keep moving along and trying to stay positive. And when I feel myself starting to get upset, I just have to kind of calm down, let it go, let it go. That’s what I have to tell myself; just let it go. So, I’m letting it go.

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