Man I Ain’t Changed But I Know I Ain’t The Same

There are so many of us, cancer survivors and families whose lives will never be the same. I’ve read about people with the same type of cancer as me who had recurrences of their sarcomas in other parts of their bodies and others who had to have their legs amputated. I am so grateful that I have my life and my leg even if it’s not as strong as it used to be.

Sometimes it feels as though death lurking around like a hammer waiting to fall when I go for my quarterly scans. I do have a strong faith and continue to pray for good health and inner peace. The thing is that I have never been afraid to die. After Susie passed there were many times that I did want to be with her but thankfully, my illness and my faith have given me a new lease on life and calmed any fears that I held.

This disease is helping me to learn many things about myself. I have learned that my super ego is very strong. In order to maintain inner peace and positivity, I try to listen to my higher self instead of my brain. As the beloved Wayne Dyer, (one of my favorite motivational speakers) stated, the ego is your mind edging God out. Instead of letting my monkey brain get carried away with scary thoughts, I quiet my mind and listen to my heart. I know deep down inside that there is nothing to fear.

I have also learned that it’s important to let others do things for me. I do enjoy helping others but when it comes to receiving help, that’s a different story. I’m usually very stubborn and independent; I like to do things myself in my own way. By letting others help me, I can see that it helps them almost as much as it helps me.

In addition to letting family and friends help me, I had a wonderful thing happen to me. Mary Kate, a very sweet young girl who interned at the physical therapy center that I went to after surgery reached out to me. She called to tell me that I inspired her to walk in my honor for Relay for Life…a walk sponsored by the American Cancer Society. I was and am still touched beyond belief.
It’ s the kindness of strangers and people that you only know through treatment that amazes me. Mary Kate told me that I inspired her; she is an inspiration to me as well.

I do believe this cancer was meant to be a wakeup call for me to embrace my life. It has also given me the opportunity to meet so many caring people like Mary Kate. I’m hopeful that God has something more in store for me in terms of health and happiness along with the ability to help others.

These last 6 months; (My Sacred Cancer Journey), have been a surreal, scary and loving time. I am definitely not the same person that I was BC (before cancer). I’m still me but as Jacob Dylan of The Wallflowers sang in One Headlight, “Man I ain’t changed but I know I ain’t the same”. Since the diagnosis, I feel as though I have evolved. Things that used to be important to me don’t hold the same significance. Letting things go and not sweating the small stuff is not something I would have been able to do so easily in the past. Now, I am embracing the fragility of life and am trying not to take anyone or anything for granted.

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