Posted On January/2020
Friday, January 10th, 2020
Today is my fifth day since coming home from the hospital and I am still adjusting to being here.
The hospital arranged for hospice and the nurses have been here several times to check in on me. They have prepared us by bringing an oxygen tank, wheelchair and heavy-duty meds should I need any of these things as my condition progresses. They also provided us with a document to keep in a conspicuous place; it has my name and the letters DNR written in a very large font. The reason for this is that should I get very bad and my family calls for an ambulance, they will know not to resuscitate me. Seeing this document with my name on it really shook me up and I broke down as I read it.
I keep thinking about how everything I do, wear, go or eat could be the last time.
It feels very strange to go from taking good care of myself; watching everything I eat, cutting out sugar and dairy, eating and juicing lots of greens to none of it mattering anymore. It just doesn’t matter.
But, between Larry and my children, I am surrounded by so much love. I am so grateful. God is being so good to me.
This has been devastating for us all but the way my boys and girls are stepping up to help me and Larry is so heartwarming; I’m so blessed.
Yesterday my son, Rich and his wife, Kendra brought my granddaughters over and I had such a wonderful time, but when they left, it was excruciating because I don’t know if I will get to see them again. And even if I do, I know it’s not going to be for much longer. I love those little girls so very much. I was so looking forward to baking and shopping and playing with their hair and painting their nails, but perhaps God thinks that I can help them more from Heaven. Maybe I’ll get to watch over them as they grow and hopefully, I can help protect them and be their angel, or at least one of their angels.
Today my son Dave is coming over with his wife Christa along with my grandsons and it’s going to be the same thing. I’m going to have so much love and joy in my heart when I see them, but when I have to say goodbye…it’s just going to be hard.
I’m trying to tie up loose ends and get my affairs in order. I bought my cemetery plot yesterday and today I’m going to work out the details with the funeral home. As hard as this is for me to do, I want to make everything as easy as possible for my Larry and my children when I’m gone. At least God is allowing me to leave on my terms.
I guess I was naïve; I really thought I was invincible. Even right now, I feel like I could work out but, I just woke up and as the day goes on, I will continue to lose energy and get weaker.
There was a time in my life after my twin sister, Sue, passed that I refer to as my boot spiritual boot camp. As painful and dark as it was, that period of my life really whipped my soul into shape. It was a dark and lonely time but I really learned to rely on God and that helped me so much for this next journey, which I call my Sacred Journey. The journey that began with my diagnosis and has helped me to evolve in many, many ways.
I am not afraid of dying but what hurts the most right now is knowing the pain that my family is going through. As a mother and a wife, you want to protect and shield your family from pain and hardship yet they are about to suffer the biggest loss of their lives and I won’t be here to comfort them. I think that is the hardest part for me; knowing that I won’t be here to hug them and tell them that everything is going to be alright after I am gone.
I do know in my heart that I will still be with them, but I know how hard it still is. Even though I feel Sue’s presence and talk to her out loud, it’s not the same as having a two way a conversation with her. I just hope that my family remembers all of the spiritual experiences and signs that she has given me so that they know when I transition that I will still be with them and hopefully they can pick up on signs I give to them.
Knowing that the end is near is torture for my family and for me so if God does take me soon, it’s okay.
All in all, it has been a tough but wonderful, amazing, blessed life, filled with so much love. I am so grateful for my children and for my Larry; he’s the love of my life, truly the love of my life. I don’t know how I would have gotten through losing Susie without him. He was there for me when she passed, and then a month later when our dog, Kramer, passed.
He has filled my life with so much joy and taught me so many things that I never would have done without him; skiing, snorkeling, sailing, rollerblading around Sandy hook and New York City. I could go on and on and on. But the best part is the closeness that we share.
I have had a wonderful life and I couldn’t ask for anything more. As Frank Sinatra sang, I did it my way.
My Way by Frank Sinatra
And now the end is here
And so I face that final curtain
My friend I’ll make it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more
I did it, I did it my way
Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
I saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much, much more
I did it, I did it my way
Yes, there were times I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself then he has naught
Not to say the things that he truly feels
And not the words of someone who kneels
Let the record shows I took all the blows and did it my way