Putting On A Brave Front

Posted On November/2019

Tuesday, November 26^th 2019

It is confirmed; I have another tumor.

I felt the lump in my back the day after I finished thirty-five rounds of radiation due to the most recent tumor that was removed from my right leg.

Dr. Patterson asked me again if I would reconsider chemo and my answer was still a resounding no. He and his assistant, Allyson, suggested that I begin research to see if there are any clinical trials that I may be a candidate for.

I have had 4 tumors develop in less than a year and the only protocol of treatment has been to have them surgically removed.

Dr. Patterson always used to seem so confident and now, even he is very concerned; I can see it on his face and in his eyes.

What made matters worse was that I came down with something like a flu yesterday which made me even more emotional. When I don’t feel well or am tired, I get upset more easily than when I feel well. When I woke up, my lungs felt as if I had pneumonia. I could barely talk and I was coughing like crazy but thankfully, I am feeling a little bit better today.

My grandchildren, Parker and Ava came over a few days ago and we had so much fun. We made pumpkin pies and when we were done, we shined a light on their profiles and traced it on poster paper. They enjoyed drawing their faces and coloring in their silhouettes. Ava blew our minds by showing us how she knows how to play chess. She is only five and plays it well; she even beat me! Parker is so funny and plays so nicely with Ava.

Having them over helped me so much…they make me so happy and as I always say, my grandbabies are my best medicine.

I told myself in the past that if I had another tumor, I wouldn’t let myself lose the positivity that I developed; that I was going to get right back on track and not lose hope. But, it’s a lot easier said than done.

The prospect of another surgery, the fifth one in less than a year, (not including my broken collarbone) is taking its toll on me. I’m starting to get to the point where I’m just tired. I won’t give up, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and despite everything that I have been through, I have so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful to be able to spend the holiday with my whole family because I don’t know if this will be my last one. I am definitely going to need to put on a brave front.