The Light

November 17, 2019

It’s almost 10 o’clock on a Sunday night and I am sitting in the living room on the couch in disbelief. I found another lump last night. Earlier in the day, we celebrated my beautiful granddaughter, Brielle’s second birthday. Later that night, we had some friends over and we had the nicest time. It was also a celebration of having finished 35 rounds of radiation just the day before.

As we walked them to the door to say goodnight, the frigid November winds blew in causing me to wrap my arms around my body to warm up. That is when I felt the lump in my back; just a bit smaller than a ping pong ball. How can this even be possible?

I spent most of today on the couch because I’m just out of it and my leg is swollen and hurting a lot with random stabbing nerve pains.

I know that I cannot lose the positivity that I have manifested now even if it is another tumor. I have to get this positivity back and even if it is a tumor, I’m not going to give up. I just started juicing and got my Reiki certification; I will not allow myself to go down a depressed path.

Yes, I am upset and scared and feeling a lot of other things, but I am not ready to resign myself to the thought that I’m not going to get better. I am going to hang in there and believe that I can still be healed.

Yesterday was three years since the first cancer surgery, three years since this hellish nightmare began. I’ve just been through so much and it just keeps coming and I just wonder why, why?

I had planned on getting up early tomorrow and try my best to work out. It’s important to keep the muscles in my right leg moving and flexed so they don’t get hard from the radiation but I can’t. I can’t because I’m not allowed to move around a lot before my PET scan, which really stinks. The exercise would have been beneficial for me mentally as well helping to release the additional nervous energy that I am feeling. I know that somehow, I will get through it like I always do.

It was only two nights ago that I completed my Reiki training in the hopes of volunteering at the hospital in addition to healing myself. There was a beautiful full moon out that night placed brilliantly in a perfectly clear sky with silver lined clouds slowly moving around it. It was gorgeous. When I got in the car, as soon as I put on the radio, a song by the band, Disturbed, “The Light”, came on as if I played it right from the very beginning on my own.

Sometimes darkness can show you the light. That song was so powerful for me in the past. I often heard it when I was going through difficult times. I felt like it was a sign from Sue. She often gives me signs through music. But when I heard the song, I took it as a sign that a difficult time was over and I was starting a new chapter with Reiki. I think that perhaps it was a sign to prepare me yet again for another difficult time.

I am not going to give in. I am going to stay positive; stay positive no matter what happens, and I will not be afraid of passing, or as I call it, transitioning.

I had a silly thought; wouldn’t it be nice if there were commercials for Heaven just like there are commercials for resorts in the Caribbean. Like, “Hey come visit Heaven, you’ll have all the time in the world for your stay. You can eat all you want because you’ll never get full and you won’t gain weight! You won’t get hurt by sharks or any daredevil activities and you’ll have the time of your life. A larger than life experience”!
Then people could see that and say, “Hey, I want to check it out… I can’t wait to go”! It was just a thought but even in this state of mind, it made me laugh.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and I have such circles under my eyes. I’m like, God, everybody says I look so good, but I see myself and I’m just like, Wow.

Tomorrow is Susie’s anniversary, six years that she’s gone. It doesn’t get easier. Maybe a teeny, tiny bit, but I know she’s with me along with Mom and Dad and my brother Danny. That’s what gives me the hope, the courage and the confidence to not be afraid to die or “transition”.

The Light By Disturbed

Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It’s not a blight, but a remedy
A clear reminder of how it began

Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You’re waiting, hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow reckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away

When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn’t where you think you’d find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don’t be afraid, don’t turn away
You’re the one who can redefine it
Don’t let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don’t let hope become a memory

When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Sickening, Weakening
Don’t let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you

When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Don’t ignore, listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness
Can show you the light


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