What Lies Ahead

I am scheduled yet again for surgery tomorrow. This time it’s to remove a large tumor from my good leg, my right calf.  I’ve been trying to keep myself busy today; trying to keep my mind occupied as I am anxious to get this beast removed from me. The prospect of another surgery is extremely daunting and scary. I know what lies ahead for me; the painful surgery, physical therapy and radiation. Since I am recovering now from a broken collarbone, I know I won’t be able to use crutches either.

What also concerns me is that now, I will be relying on my left leg. The leg that had most of the quadricep muscles removed from and gives out from time to time.  I am trying to maintain a good attitude in front of everyone but I feel so bad for my family. My husband and children have been so supportive since losing my brother and mother, having a tumor removed from my lung and now this all in a matter of 8 weeks. I cannot imagine what I would do without them.

My boys came by to help recently and all I could think about was Mommy. I thought about how happy and appreciative she was when I bought her a lift chair. We got it because it was more comfortable for her to sleep in near the end. As I sat at home in my recliner, I could picture Mom sitting in her chair telling me how much she appreciated everything that I did for her. I then found myself coming full circle looking at my boys trying to take care of me now and how much I appreciate them. 

I’m not ready to be taken care of, I know that drives Larry crazy because I am so fiercely independent but I just feel the need to do as much as I can while I can still do it.  I am slowly, slowly coming to terms, with what may lay ahead. 

I just finished reading a book by Carole Radziwell, “What Remains”; she was married to John Kennedy Jr’s cousin, Anthony. Unbeknownst to me when I bought the book, I learned that Anthony also had sarcomas. I knew that he had cancer but wasn’t aware that he had sarcoma like me and passed at the age of 40.   At one point, he had 21 tumors in his lungs and was constantly getting cut up; not unlike me.  In one of the later excerpts of the book, Anthony is at the beach with his shirt off; John Jr. is walking behind him and breaks down when he sees all of Anthony’s surgical scars.

While my scars are not as numerous as his, I often say that my body looks like a road map now.  I look up to Anthony, God Bless his soul; he was able to keep a stiff upper lip despite EVERYTHING that he went through.  He is an inspiration and I hope to be as brave as he.  Just praying…and knowing that all is in God’s hands.

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